Weird

it has been ages
I need an avenue to note this down

Everyone has experience having a crush i believe
But i didnt know that having a crush can affect us alot

Never hav i been this affected... Usually a crush will last for a while and it is like having a crush on celebrity.
I dont understand what is happening to me.
It started on National Day Eve. i remembered clearly because that was the start of me losing my sanity. I became a person that i dun even noe i could become. i really have no idea that just one smile make me become insane.
A smile.. an acceptance of fb request and instagram request destroyed my life forever. was tryin to play it cool and overcome it by treatin him like my normal friends but i just cant. my mouth will be shut.. i dun even dare to even give a friendly hug and took selfie with him. I became a fuckin timid mouse and i hate that. i am not that kind of person. if i like someone and if i want something i will be practical and try ways to get it though most of the time got rejected.
I thought it will pass soon but it has been 3 mths and with the help of my friend (abit disappointed coz not my effort) i had a selfie with him. and i will still blush and my mouth will be glued. Sometimes i just want to scream out loud and give him a hug but i cannot.
I have to do something to let him noe but i just dunno why... i did try ways but i will end up screwing things...
In movies whereby u miss the person u dun talk to is really cliche but stupidly i am experiencing it... i cannot concentrate at times...

I did try to shut him out and ignore him but when i see him... the same fucking feeling appear just how it started..... my friends think i am a psycho and crazy but i cant help it. something is not seriously not right and me being me i need a solution to end this in my head or is it heart...
why am i not pursuing it??? coz its impossible... firstly he is a popular man with women throwing themselves at him... secondly i have a bit of problem with my self-esteem (unlike those women... i am fat.. short and not sexy ) thirdly he is an indian and a hindu (but its not like i will end up marrying him) but he will of course go for his own race like duhhh!

so i have zero chance and i noe all these but my heart will race whenever i see him and my head will tell me to do weird stuff...

about him.. he is resident dj at an indian club... i noe his existence long way back...apparently we have mutual friends... i didnt give a shit abt him before coz i didnt cross path with him and he is always keeing to himself in the club unlike other djs... he play good music taht i know.. i love his music... i can say i went there almost every week and furthermore i have friends working there... the only thing i regret is i notice him too late.

But i not sure why on National Day, i saw him smile and my heart gave way....to add on... he is very mysterious and he is not the crazy and outgoing type...not as friendly like his friends all... and maybe thats why i fall further... he can be smiling and the next moment he will ignore your existence... thats what he did to me...

So since then... i will always look for him first if i enter the club.. it is difficult coz he will be hiding in some corner...me without my glasses i am blind as bat! (contact lenses i rarely coz i was adviced not to use..dun ask! medical problem) SO u see he is my crush.

But the feelings i have is really unexplainable and illogical

when he just walked pass me without acknowledgin my.. my heart seems to shatter...(no logic rite..who am i to hiim also)
When he wave at me to say hi.. i feel like melting and fainting.. and that also i have difficulty saying hello (lagi no logic)
seeing him spin just put a smile on my face! the weird thing i need alcohol to be the normal me.. how screw up can i get...
i dunno who i have become infront of him..

I need to stop all these... i thought getting a selfie with him will put an end to this... coz after a selfie i will stop patronin that place before i turn crazy... but instead i am going crazy here...not being able to see him..before that i did try flirt around and making friends EASILY but yet my eyes still glued to him.. i am always searching for him if we are in the same room....

I cannot see anything with logic now... all i noe i have to stop crushing on him before i go mad.
in order for me to do tat... i have to stop seein him.. i have to erase everything..  BUT I CANNOT AND I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHY.... i have never falllen so hard after my depression period.... i have learnt to make quick recovery and move on but this guy.. THIS PARTICULAR GUY is really driving me insane...i even pschyo myself to find faults that he has but it just make me fall for him further... ya it doesnt make sense but its happening to me....

i have no idea what to do that wil not cauuse me to be in such great pain.... for him he is still oblivious and he still does not know i am head over heels for him... why am i not surprise....

i will give myself till this year to see him as much as i can and trying to strike normal conversation...by nex yr i will disappear from his life.. i will delete him off coz i need to be normal again and not be seen as a psycho... and i am not patronin at any place he is spinning....i will try avoid his good friends too so as not to be reminded me of him.. tats the onlee way... maybe i should do it from now on... but i am not mentally prepare to let go of this crush just yet... damn!!!!!!!!!! i should have notice him earlier when he was alwasy there!!!!!!!!!!! i found out that some wedding functions i attended.. he is always there!! i might have seen him years ago at the clubs i went but i didnt notice!!!!! stupid me!!! stupid me!!!!

So ladies out there who is having crushes.... please just stop it if you noe he is out of your reach... dun lend yourself in my shoes with no solutions or watsoever...


By the way this year is a rollercoaster ride... the best thing that happen besides my friends.. is this crush of mine which turn out to be the worst thing too coz gonna let him go to....

Unrest

Missing someone..what does it mean?
Blood related love and missin each other is one of them.
Friends and close friends we seldom meet up...
Bestfriend (aint got one animore) kinda miss
A crush coz its once in a while we get to see.

But what i am experiencing now is driving me nutz!! I haven miss someone so badly before for weeks and months!! I kept it to myself because i feel stupid. U noe why... coz  we two are always together... 5 days a week u can say... what made me bonkers is that just now... after saying goodbye... i missed him already...as in i want to see the face again. It driving me nuts!! He is not even my bf! And yes i am not even in love with him because he has made it clear and my walls are high up.

So i am.not sure how i can miss the person badly.. i always thought it is freaking lame esp couples to miss each them when they see them often.. but when it happen to u.. shit just got real... i thought it was kinda like a habit but it will die off soon.. but not in this case...
Missin someone means..(for me) u yearn to see that person.. things u do will remind me of that person..that person basically in ur mind 24 hrs..
Creepy yes... i feel like i am an obsessive friend... i am.not like tat.. as i think.abt my past... it wasnt like these... omg.. is it my age... i am freakin out rite now..
To be practical...i keep myself occupied...and God is on my side.. he is gg for a small pilgrimage and it will be like for 2 to 3 weeks... hopefully i wont go insane.. so i am takin this period to see how psychotic i am...hahahha! If i manage not to think abt him for atleast 1 week.. i am normal and we are brothers for life! If not... i need to take a step back and reflect and build my walls thicker and higher... afterall i am still a girl (heart will always take control) ... i can do this girl!!! Will never repeat the same mistake.

But i guess after losing my bestie...he is always there for me...he never fails to leave me alone... no one does that before...and that is why i am.also too reliant on him also... i would really love to have him.as my bestie.. and i think i will be the luckiest girl ever :)

It was nice while it lasted

It was sad..  abrupt farewell.. maybe it was good..  the sadness will disappear quickly... my last paper is tmr.. and cmg to school to study is not a nice feelin animore. Miss him more than usual. Gosh... wat is suckier is that he will be graduatin already and why the hell did i ever meet him!!! Why cant i meet him earlier?? Or why i have to meet him... maybe tats okay.. why do i have to finally fall for him!! 16 days straight with him..  and i have to fall for him on the last few days for things that he did for me. Haiyoh!!!! Tat is why sometimes i really have bad luck with guys...should i turn to my old ways???? Hahaah!! Naah! A sin!  Okay k my nex plan i am gonna thank riduan for being my study mate! And life moves on.

Listen

Antisocial... naah never... but been pluckin in my earpiece because the voice and luffter is my distraction.. afraid to fall deeper... thus the antisosialnesss.. #cannotaffordmyhearttodriftandmakestupiddecisions

Goodbye

Not lookin forward to monday.... tat will be it....saying goodbye wont be easy